


Faking My Hollow Existence

by orphan_account, wordsofaninsanemind



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Anger, Blow Jobs, Broken, Crying, Drinking, Emotional, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Fingerfucking, Frerard, Hand Jobs, Heartbreak, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, Loneliness, Loss, Lost Love, Love, M/M, Male Slash, Masturbation, Memories, Misery, Oral Sex, Pain, Sad, Sex, Slash, Songfic, Suffering, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-09
Updated: 2014-04-09
Packaged: 2018-01-18 17:21:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1436518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account, https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsofaninsanemind/pseuds/wordsofaninsanemind
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Memories come flooding back after running into Gerard in a coffee shop.  This takes place after the fic One Last Kiss Before You Go.  This is from Franks point of view of how he felt after losing Gerard and what that and the band breakup has done to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Faking My Hollow Existence

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [One Last Kiss Before You Go](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1433302) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account), [wordsofaninsanemind](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsofaninsanemind/pseuds/wordsofaninsanemind). 



> Inspired by 2.5mg Just Ain't Enough For Me by Frank Iero

I am not even sure what happened because I never saw it coming. One day he was there and the next day the band is over and I have lost him forever. I am so tired. I had made all of these plans, I saw some through and others, I let simply slip away. I am just so tired of pretending and I always rush in head first on things, and honestly, sometimes, I make mistakes. I think sometimes that Gee was my biggest mistake. I try not think about him but I often find my mind wandering to him. I have had so much pain in heart from the hole that he left. 

I had decided to go to the coffee shop up the road. I slipped on some jeans that smelled clean. "Jamia," I called into the kitchen, "I am going out, okay?" 

"Ok, hunny." She called back, "but be careful." 

"I will," I called back. 

I climbed into my car and headed to the coffee shop. A few minutes later, I pulled up outside and climbed out of my car looking up at the building. I sighed because I had been here with Gerard so many times. I smiled a bitter smile, angry with myself for even thinking about him. I shook the thought out of my head as I made my way inside. I pushed the door open, walked inside and froze. 

There at the counter stood Gerard and I felt the tears well up in my eyes, threatening to fall. I swiped angrily at my eyes for betraying me. I was so tired of how my life, how it had been it was to quiet and I missed the band, the tours and the guys voices laughing or arguing. I hated to even admit it but what I missed the most was Gerard, his stupid donkey laugh and most of all the way that he moaned. 

Suddenly, I felt sick and felt like I might throw up. I swallowed hard trying not wretch right there. It made me angry that my heart and stomach were traitors as they did flip flops at the sight of him. My pulse sped up and my heart was pounding in my ears. My mouth went suddenly dry. I felt as if I might just fall to floor right there with all the weight that suddenly bared down on me, crushing my shoulders. I hate all of these burdened feelings and how they make me feel. 

My mind flashed back to the moment that he told me the band was going to break up. I had been so angry that I had said so many things that I didn't really mean. "I hate you Gerard I had screamed" , "wish I had never met you". I had even tried to say that I was sorry but they were wasted on his deaf ears. He wouldn't hear what I had to say, he just walked away and ended it all. I blame myself for it because I had married Jamia. How could he be so angry when he was the one that was never going to come out and admit what we shared together. He married Lynz out of spite and it had only pushed us further apart. We pulled things together for the last tour and made up but it was just never the same. 

He loved me still and I would never stop loving him but he just didn't touch me the or look at me the same. It was as if he was afraid that if he did, that he might never let me go. Not to say that we didn't have moments because we did, even though we were married and what did take place on stage was also not the same. He would come off stage to have sex with me and then avoid me. Feeling guilty, I suppose. Then it'd start all over, right up until the end of it all. I am not sure when he knew but I was fucking angry as hell that he didn't tell me until it was too late to change it. 

Once my anger tapered off, I really had pleaded, my eyes rimmed red because I didn't want it to end. Now when I smile it feels so fake, so hallow. I just go on because I have too. I would try to forgive him but it would be a waste of time. We will never work it out. We had both made mistakes throughout the entire run. I knew I shouldn't have kicked him in the balls on stage after he married Lynz but I was so pissed off that I wasn't thinking straight. He even tried to talk me once but I blew him off.

I felt the same way even now, I wanted to run out of the coffee shop as he turned from the counter and he eyes landed on me before I could leave. "Fuck," I cursed under my breathe. My love was wasted on on him and I realized that as our eyes meet. I want to punch him in the face and I can feel my hands flexing at my side as the tears are still threatening to fall.

"Frank," he says breathily. 

Goddamn his voice is still as beautiful as he is. "Gerard," I choke out and all the feelings come rushing back. He take a few steps towards me. As he reaches up to touch me, my eyes betray me and my tears spill out. I turn on my heel and run out of the coffee shop without looking back.  
"Frank, please, wait!" He calls after me. 

I don't slow down or even look back as I jump into to my car, start it and pull off as quick as I can. I see him in my rear view mirror as I speed away. When I get home, I slam the car door to hard but I feel a little satisfaction. I stomp into the house banging the front door open. Jamia is in the living room and she turns her head too look at me as I walk in. 

"Frank, what's the matter?" She asks in her gentle tone. 

"Nothing Jamia. I am fine." I lied. "I am going to the studio to work. Can you make sure that I am not disturbed."

I don't wait for her to answer before I am headed to the basement studio. When I get down there, I lock the door, so that no one can come in. I press my back to the door and slide down to the floor. I wrap my arms around my legs and the tears fall once again. I sit there sobbing until I just can't cry anymore. I drag myself up and go to the mini fridge that I keep down here. I pull a bottle of beer out and I down it in a few large swigs. It isn't long before I have tossed back nearly a whole 12 pack and I am starting to regret it now as the memories come flooding in once again. 

I can see his eyes framed by his dark hair. He was smiling at me shyly, the first time we'd met. That same face smiled at me in the back seat of the van as he slide his hand onto my thigh in the dark. He started caressing me through my sweat pants that I had on. Everyone in the van was asleep but us and Otter, who was driving. I bit my lip to try and stay quiet but I had let him do it. His touch was timid and shy then as I had pressed up into his hand letting him know that it was okay. He had slid his hand into my sweat pants taking my hardening cock into his hand and he stroked me unsure at first but then he had grew more bold. Soon he was stroking me so rapidly that my cock was throbbing in his hand. I wanted to cry out but I couldn't, not in the van. It didn't take me long to cum all over his hand that he'd shoved into my pants. I spurted all over his hand in my sweat pants because I hadn't been wearing any underwear. 

Then the memories shifted to another time and place. Gee had pushed me down on a sofa in our dressing room during revenge. His hands roamed all over my bare chest. "So, fucking pretty," he mumbled letting his hands undo my pants. 

"Gee," I had mumbled incoherently, "we have to go on soon." 

He had laughed his adorable laugh. "I will be quick about it, I promise," he'd said grinning. He was tugging at my pants and I lifted my hips and let him pull them off. My cock was only slightly hard, lying nestled in the soft thatch of curls between my legs. He looked at it while he licked his lips. He then leaned down, licking it and causing it to harden under his attention. He slid his mouth over my dick taking it in as deep as he could. I threw my head back moaning at the feel of his mouth on me for the first time. He was so good at it and just the thought of how good it was making my dick harden now.

I reached down, releasing my dick in my pants to alleviate some of my discomfort. Then I remembered the first time that we had sex. We had finally finished the revenge tour, we were back home in New Jersey and Gee and Mikey had called me. "We are going to my mom's to hang out," Gee had told me. We'd gone there to play video games, had eaten pizza and smoked a couple of joints. Mikey had to leave and I had been left alone with Gerard. 

We were both pretty stoned and he looked at me and said, "Frankie, your so, pretty," and he started to giggle like a maniac. Then he reach out to touch me, caressing my cheek. "I am serious, Frankie," he said biting his lip. I had kissed him after that; really hard. It was wet and sloppy pretty much all teeth and tongue. He had slid his hand under my shirt and began running his fingers against my skin. "I want to fuck you," he mumbled into my mouth during one of our kisses. "Please," I had begged. 

It was a few short moments of tearing at each other clothes clumsily before he was on top of me. He had worked me open with practiced fingers before sliding his cock into me for the first time. I had never been with a man before that and he'd stretched my hole almost painfully because his cock was so big. He'd pounded in to me relentlessly until we'd both came harder then I ever had before and what he later told me was that he had never done it before. 

I shook my head angrily trying to shake the memories away. That was when I realized that my cock was hard and begging for attention. "Fuck," I slurred to an empty room. I tugged my pants open angrily shoving them down off my hips letting the boxers go with them. My hard cock sprang free, leaking percum from the tip. When it slapped against my belly, it left some of the precum there. I took it in my hand and began stroking it. 

My next flash of memory was the last time I had slept with Gerard, before everything went to hell. It was the night of last show and he knew then it was going to end. I had my tongue in his slit, coaxing the precum out into my mouth just so I could taste Gerard. I had to bite back a loud moan as I stroked my cock roughly remembering how he tasted and I choked on hiccuped sob. He had pressed his tongue inside of my ass, licking me open. My cock throbbed in my hand at the thought of Gerard eating me out. And then he was inside of me, driving his hips against me, filling me over and over until we had both cum. 

I couldn't stand it, I missed Gerard. The tears flowed freely down my cheeks and then the thought of him in me suddenly made my hole feel like it had been empty for way too long. I pushed my fingers sloppily into my mouth, wetting them. I pressed two of them into my hole and moaned. I shoved them roughly, clumsily inside of me just the way Gee would have fucked me. I stroked my cock in unison with my fingers imaging that it was Gerard, naked, leaning over me and smiling as he fucked me. 

It was too much for me and I came with a loud groan over my hand and spurting it all over my shirt. I eased my fingers out my ass, pulling off my shirt to wipe the cum away. I was feeling dizzy from all the emotions and feelings. I didn't pull my pants up before I had passed out on the floor. 

I was still laying there my pants around my thighs, my dick hanging out when awoke later that night. I tugged my pants up roughly and went upstairs. I slide into bed next to Jamia, wrapping my arms around her. 

"Are you alright, Frank," she mumbled sleepily. 

"I am fine," I lied, "go back to sleep." She nodded and slipped off back into sleep. 

I want this to be over for these feeling to leave me alone. Sadly, I knew they never would. nothing would fix the hole left in my heart by Gerard. Nothing would ever fill it again. It was empty. I was empty, hallow and I just could not bring myself to talk to him ever again. I struggled, tossing and turning before finally falling to sleep. I knew I would never be the same, my love would always be empty and useless. I could never feel again the way that I felt for Gerard. It had destroyed me, leaving me a wasteland, an empty corpse walking around but not feeling. I know I will think of him everyday, for as long as I live blaming myself forever for what went wrong. What that was I may never know. The only thing I truly know is that I will love Gerard forever, with all the pieces of my broken heart.


End file.
